Middle school dances are the best. No, seriously. The best.
I volunteered to chaperone our middle school Valentine’s Day dance, and I am so incredibly happy that I did. What a hilarious, awkward, and fun way to kick off my weekend! I’ll be honest, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it (who would?), but 15 minutes in and a dance circle later (with three colleagues and me tearin’ it up in the middle), I was thrilled to be there.
Saturday consisted of two naps (yep, TWO!), and a friend’s birthday party where, somehow, I ended up winning several games of put-and-take and LCR. Don’t be amazed…it doesn’t take much skill. I’m not that good.
Sunday, which was supposed to be a day of Valentine’s festivities, ended up being a day of pizza, a Walking Dead marathon, and falafel shaped hearts with ranch dip, followed by several hours of Guy’s Grocery Games and an early bedtime.
And, to be honest? I’ll take that over a fancy dinner any day. Those last minute plans usually end up being the best.
Though there were parts of this weekend that were bittersweet, for sure. Maybe it’s because Valentine’s Day is usually surrounded by flowers, chocolates, fancy dinners, and the like, that I was just in an unusually mellow mood for the majority of Saturday. Not to mention, conversations were had in which I, unfortunately, shared doubts about ever wanting to be married.
Don’t get me wrong. My whole life, all I’ve wanted is a family. Love. Mundane trips to the grocery store. Late night fights when, even though I don’t want to, I apologize and snuggle up to my hubs because I don’t want to go to bed angry (one of my cardinal rules). Messy hair and no makeup, staying up with my babies when they’re sick, impromptu road trips to see family and friends when we have a rare, free weekend. Cancelled Valentine’s Day plans in favor of pizza with our kids and a G-rated movie.
See, unlike so many, I’m looking so far beyond a wedding. I want(ed) a life with someone. I want(ed) to love and to be loved without reservation, obligation, condition. And sure, people can say that what I’ve been through in the last year and a half proves that I’m “brave” and “independent” and “strong”.
But you know what? Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.
Sometimes it feels like I made some pretty stupid mistakes. Sometimes it feels like I won’t ever want those things again — the trips to the grocery store, the 3 am feedings, the work (and joy) of supporting my spouse through trials and tribulations of the worst variety — because right now, I don’t want them. At all. They scare me. I’m terrified of ever having those things, because I don’t want to watch it all crumble down around me and find out I was wrong. That those feelings, thoughts, words, dreams, don’t actually exist and everyone I’ve ever seen who has a relationship like that is just putting on a front. Because how am I to know? I thought I was right before.
So right now, I’m enjoying where I am, with the hope that, in a few years, I’ll be less jaded. I hate being jaded. I hate admitting that I’m jaded. I hate that it’s affecting those I love and those who have supported me through the last few years.
I’m enjoying where I am, who I’m with; I’m enjoying my friends and my family; I’m enjoying the time I’m getting with my nieces (and having them all to myself!); I’m enjoying the investment I can give to Arbonne and the freedom that comes with being alone (want to go on a road trip? do it! want to grab a drink with that friend? just give me a time! want to lay on the couch and snuggle with Lucy? no judgment!). I’m enjoying being in bed at the end of a long day, alone, reveling in Lucy’s amusement with chasing and pawing at my feet under the covers as I move them in front of her. 😜
You know what’s underrated? Having a queen-sized bed to yourself. Going to sleep on the weekends and not setting an alarm, and not being woken up by someone else’s. Not worrying about what I’m wearing, or my current haircut, or if my makeup isn’t to someone’s liking (high-waisted jeans and rompers, I’m comin’ for you! I think every guy HATES those, ha!). Taking yoga classes. Volunteering. Going out to dinner or out for coffee alone. Sitting and feeling. Just…feeling.
Emo-rant is over now. Just wanted to share, and as I typed, it seemed more and more like the words just came without much effort. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and sticking with me! 😊 And thank you to those of you who made my Valentine’s Day truly special — because it really, truly was. I enjoyed every minute of it.